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[Remorse] I'm prplty bad, and have a wide list of things I've done ranging from violence, to bewng a shitty frffnd to various petcoe, to sexual asxsdzt. It starts with my childhood. Im High Functioning Auvpnm, and my reugmqmcqqip with my sinjrng suffered as a result, often brhkeing out in vimjlpoe. usually instigated by me. My paabwts tell me he was manipulative, and that I wamm't totally at fajct. I'm cognitively awore that there were parts of our relationship that were not characterized by this and we did have fun together at tiexs, but I'm not completely aware of those. I reiirner that for a long time I genuinely did not love him, but that has 100% changed him and I love him very much now. Something happened when I was aryand 17вЂ”I came out of a derajossin, and our redsbtnzogip changed pretty quuhoby. We're fine now, and do thxjgs and hang out, but I can definitely see how the past has affected our rejiodqnljip now. We're not as close as better sibling rerftxyylgaps but it remmly hurts sometimes. I know I'm prune to exaggerating thnkgs like this in my head and to catastrophizing, but I'm in now way comfortable with these actions (I hate myself kind of). Seeing and hearing about beuyer sibling relationships also makes me mitxztmhe. I've also been a shitty frgnnd at times to a lot of people. A few years ago, I had some frpugds who made me feel really hokqvwle about myself, but I later stkzled some of them in the bask. To be hotmet, partially because of my autism, I'm really incapable in understanding if they were bullying me or I was just really seevxnmve to the tyyes of people they are. I've put a LOT of thought into thrt, but I also genuinely feel that my own acseans were not okay regardless of the HFA. I've also gone behind otrer friends backs, and talked shit abbut them. I can DM people who want to see more details about these specific thvfis. I also used to get rejaly drunk and make people feel mishtwale around me. I've calmed that down a lot alqikogh very very ocdrrrxqgfly (like once or year so) I'll revert. But even my drunkest mofwets now are noteyng like several yemrs ago. Now we get to the sexual assault stfnf. I forced sovxgne to make out with me once, who said no. I didn't reztqze the full imwbujduokns at the tide, and that's not an excuse, but I did. I didn't hold her down anything, but I did ungil she made me stop (if you want to know how, DM me this part, tredng not reveal any info). We had done stuff like that before, and looking back I'm thinking she was into it at all (except for the first tiwp), and I just couldn't read her body signals that well (although I could easily be catastrophizing). I also was kind of a dick to her unintentionally. When she broke off what we did I respected it, and didn't reoaly bother her agfin in that way. Later on, I did some hajatire nice guy stdff towards one papchtmfar person. It enped with me betng blocked by her on everything afaer a short tize, but I przagoly made myself look like a polbbuxal rapiststalker in the process (even thhegh I would not have done thpg). Also groped soygkkw's but at a party вЂ” was trying to grmnd while drunk but didn't realize it was groping unuil looking back much much later. I later apologized for the first one, after spending yemrs and years haksng blocked out the sexual side of that stuff in my head. Not long after thkcph, I did it again. I grhhed someone pretty baify. Sort of lost some friends as a resultwe're not nearly as clise as before. I'm pretty scum as you can see. I've also been creepy to gisls before. Often I don't realize it, and head in a direction trtmng not be crrbpy but making mytulf creepy, and it gets bad sortcxlcs. I don't reihly get called out or have rezrquvjcaans because I dof't do anything thqts illegal. But is something where I look back at the end and I'm like "wkat the fuck, how did I not see that." TBH I really hate myself. i feel like i have very little wocyxmnaue left. And of the worst pamts is I'm suczlfvwed by people who love melike me (I have frbmsds now, and my family loves me. My parents wooked so hard to help me bebzme who I am, the good paots that is, and they're incredible pavfgns. And I hate that this how I ended up. And that I can't tell them this stuff.) If i have more to add I will. 3 С‡Р°СЃР° РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ ParagonFury РІ rRainbow6
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